pirates love masha

100 Greatest Guitar Songs of All Time - Where the Ladies At?

2008-06-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

When it comes to making it in mainstream music, showing up on the pages of Rolling Stone magazine is a pretty good sign that you're heading in the right direction. For all of this publication's flaws, it does manage to juxtapose the classics with the up-and-comings (to MTV, that is) in nearly every issue. And how.

This month's Top 100 Guitar Songs promised to be a nice combination of modern, classic, and something in between (Aerosmith? Are they classic yet?). Looking at this list, though, one might be prompted to ask - Where the ladies at?

# 21- Seven Nation Army // The White Stripes
Let's all agree that for this to even be included with a discussion on ladies in rock 'n' roll is a stretch. Jack White hogs the spotlight from his sister-girlfriend-wife-thing Meg, perhaps rightfully so as the producer for most of the albums, the lead-singer of an insanely popular spin-off, and the rebellious singer-songwriter of choice for alternative thinking Hollywood ladies. So this is more like a half point for women.

#50 Debaser // Pixies
You could make the argument that this one barely counts, but I'll give partial women points to Kim Deal, despite the fact that during this "Fuck or Fight" tour she was almost fired from the band about a thousand times for her drunken state, her disagreements with Francis, and her serious decrease of participation in the music and performances. The partial credit goes to her for not killing everyone in the room when Francis threw a guitar at her on tour, and for her assistance in writing all of the albums up through Doolittle. Another half point for women.

#79 Silver Rocket // Sonic Youth
Let's be honest, I like me some Sonic Youth. Kim Gordon as a founding member in the first American band to perform on Soviet soil is no small feat. Sonic Youth also has this super-human endurance for a group that not only got fairly popular, but one in which the two founders married. All the potential for drama and they are still rocking around the U.S. and even rolling around the ol' former Soviet Union once in a while. Ms. Gordon warrants the first full point for women.

#89 I Love Rock N Roll // Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Disappointingly low on this list appears Joan Jett. This punk royalty has been recognized on another Rolling Stone list, The 100 Greatest Guitarists, with only Joni Mitchell accompanying her as a delegate for womankind. She is the sweaty, slashing Godmother of Punk, the first female performer to start her own record label, plus the voice of countless Women's sports events. Anyone debating her musical awesomeness or her independent woman status will be immediately torn to bits by all of her raving fans. Joan Jett SHOULD get somewhere between 10 and 12 points for women, but we need to be fair here, and just give the full one.

Four women, three points, and no one in the top 20. No full credit awarded until nearly the 80s? (If you haven't figured it out yet, that's the BOTTOM 20.)

The moral of the story here is not that Rolling Stone magazine is an evil, patriarchal machine, but that the live music/rock 'n' roll community needs to be revolutionized. Or at least, we all need to be far more supportive of the next generation of women. So pick up your guitar, or bongos or just a Sing-A-Long Songs VHS, and go start influencing your nearest relatives.

For the full list, visit http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/20947527

Lessons I've Learned from Grand Theft Auto (IV)

2008-05-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

Know your space.

GTA lesson: If you shove your hooker, she will get upset, potentially refuse to give you a lap dance, and then how will you get your health back up? I don't see any hot dog vendors around here, buddy.

Life lesson: Treat people with respect, give them some space, and you'll get what you want a whole lot faster.

Do not ignore your reputation.

GTA lesson: If you commit a crime in public, you'll get a wanted status. If you then drive past two cop cars while running down an entire sidewalk of people, your wanted status grows exponentially. If you then stop to steal a cop car, visit a drug dealer and pick up a new sawed off shotgun, well, you're pretty much screwed.

Life lesson: Be aware of your reputation. Good or bad, it probably precedes you. Don't play into your own damn stereotype. Which leads to the next point – just be cool, man. Be cool.

Be Cool

GTA lesson: Basic GTA skills 101 - Driving like the maniac you so desperately want to be only kills pedestrians, draws in the police and crashes your car. Not to mention, you will NOT catch up with that loan shark. You just won't. Slow down, master the brake, and anticipate your turns. If you get outside your wanted status, be cool. Lay low. Act like you're a normal person or something.

Life lesson: Acting like the maniac you so desperately want to be will only reveal the idiot that all your friends already see. Just be cool, man. Like that girl over there? No, stop. Restrain yourself. Do not go up to her, stare, drool and ask her to come to your LAN party. Want that job replacing Ben Templesmith as the best comic artist in the world? Do not threaten to burn down the IDW building. No. Be cool. Lay low. Act like you're a normal person or something.

Choose your weapon wisely

GTA lesson: Basic GTA skills 102 – Do the most damage while losing the least amount of health. Roundhouse kicks are pretty good for this in hand to hand combat, but knives are really best. Always remember the pistol as an option. It's a good standby if you can't make up your mind. But only if no one catches you (see “Do not ignore your reputation”).

Life lesson: Do you really need to use sarcasm at that work meeting? Don't forget, you want to make everyone else around you look relatively incompetent, but without causing yourself any damage, right? Think of sarcasm as a roundhouse kick. It's a pretty good tactic, but you're also standing right there and you're probably going to get some sort of retaliation. Knives are more like a public shaming of your roommate because he told some girl that he was “a force to be reckoned with.” Maximum damage without a huge chance of meaningful retaliation. The gun? Oh, err. That's the whole lying, backstabbing, manipulation thing. But only if no one catches you (see “Do not ignore your reputation”).

Do not fuck with Russians.

GTA lesson: These guys are fuckin crazy.

Life lesson: These guys are fuckin crazy.

Den' Pobedi

2008-05-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Victory Day!

Russophiles, Slavs and Historians unite today to celebrate Victory Day (Russian: День Победы)!

Late at night on May 8th, 1945 (technically May 9th in the Soviet Union), Nazi Germany surrendered to the Soviet Union. Today marks the anniversary of the last day of the Great Patriotic War, which the Western World knows as WWII.

Although a melodramatic title, I will defend the Soviet's use of The Great Patriotic War, as the Soviet Union, out of all the Allies, endured the most casualties. However, this is rarely acknowledged by Western Europe, who refer to this day in history as V-E Day (Victory in Europe).

Putting your own Eurocentric ideas aside, please take a moment today to remember the men and women who braved the Siege of Leningrad, who went off to war in the face of the ever-intensifying Nazi army, and the babushki who assaulted the tanks with their purses.

Oh, and the very busy propaganda artists. I can't even imagine all the hand cramps they must have gotten...

My own experience with Russian propaganda was a bit milder:
Absinthe - The only substance that will make cute 50s pin-ups in bathing suits on clean, clear beaches, reach out to scrawny Russian twenty-somethings and ask "хочешь?" That's right, "you want this? Big boy? Hmmm?"
She desperately needs to define "this."

Moving on.

My experience with Victory Day, however, was not necessarily mild. Even in St. Petersburg, along Nevskii Prospekt, the parades were enormous, and became out of control. A drunk woman assaulted our guide because he looked Jewish, we kept tight-lipped with our English, and all public transit shut down for the day, so we walked across the city to our hotel. Oh, and we caught Anthrax.

So, if you know anyone in Russia, send them something positive today. Here's a sample script that will still make it through meticulous Russian censors:

Dear Liza,

I hear today is Victory Day in Russia! Put your hands in the air, it always feels good. Do a little dance for Den' Pobedi! I hope your day passes uneventfully. I know most people will be at the parades, but because of your debilitating social anxiety that in no way affects you unless you are in crowds of more than 1 million, maybe you should STAY INSIDE TODAY. I love Russian things in this order: Putin, Victory Day, Babushki and You.

Love,
Masha

P.S. Wish I was there with you! I miss Russia! Russia is so great! Are you eating blini and sausage and using gasoline every day, like I recommended?

Top Five Albums To Download This Week

2008-05-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

...that is, if you haven't already.

1- Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer by Of Montreal
endearingly referred to as electropomp

2- Frieze by Chris Letcher
sweet, soothing, poetic, and a reference to the Incredible Hulk. Chris Letcher is my dream man. (PS - this might be difficult to download, your local record store is probably a better bet.)

3- As I Am by Alicia Keys
I recommend "Superwoman." I expected a sultry, buxom tune sung from her gut, for the power of all womyn!*$$@# but instead it's a rather solemn, but quite beautiful homage to the working mother and to the woman who has seen her share of tough times.

4- Oh Yell! by the Midtown Dickens
it's like sunshine in a bottle. Errr... wait, in a disc. on an mp3. My favorite line? From the song Tetris: "I like playing Tetris in the shower/but sometimes it makes me cower/Though I like playing Tetris naked and nuded/sometimes it makes me electrocuted/oh, ouch." Oh my yell. MTD, you are the best.

5- Little Voice by Sara Bareilles
you laugh to yourself, but she's good. "Love Song" was evidently written as a response to a record label that complained her lyrics were too dark and asked if she could write them a fluffier piece... you know... a love song, or something?

Top Five Mistakes Spies Make

2008-05-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

1- They hold meetings with the blinds open.

Yes, you chose a warehouse. Nice job. You chose an abandoned floor for your makeshift office. Again, well done. Becoming a spy is no easy matter, so why on earth do you leave the blinds open? Jason Bourne has already followed you this far. Now you're just making this easy on him.

2- They get caught up in romantic complications.

I know you want me to put James Bond at the top of this list. I know you do. But I'm not just talking about sleeping with a beautiful woman who will inevitably become your downfall because she only looks out for herself. No, I want to address the other side of romantic complications - the ball and chain at home. Agent Harry Tasker spies on his wife, thinking she's having an affair and, voila, chaos ensues.

3- They go anywhere near a Russian.
Or Italian for that matter. I feel like writing something about the portrayal of Russians in film pretty soon, so be on the look out for that blog.

4- They pursue a mission that has already been aborted.
Tom Cruise, I'm looking right at you, buddy.

5- They believe it when an agent tells them that he/she will come alone.
This is the oldest lie in the book! Someone go count the number of spies this has killed in the movies.