Lessons I've Learned from Grand Theft Auto (IV)

1. Know your space.

GTA lesson: If you shove your hooker, she will get upset, potentially refuse to give you a lap dance, and then how will you get your health back up? I don't see any hot dog vendors around here, buddy.

Life lesson: Treat people with respect, give them some space, and you'll get what you want a whole lot faster.

2. Do not ignore your reputation.

GTA lesson: If you commit a crime in public, you'll get a wanted status. If you then drive past two cop cars while running down an entire sidewalk of people, your wanted status grows exponentially. If you then stop to steal a cop car, visit a drug dealer and pick up a new sawed off shotgun, well, you're pretty much screwed.

Life lesson: Be aware of your reputation. Good or bad, it probably precedes you. Don't play into your own damn stereotype. Which leads to the next point – just be cool, man. Be cool.

3. Be Cool

GTA lesson: Basic GTA skills 101 - Driving like the maniac you so desperately want to be only kills pedestrians, draws in the police and crashes your car. Not to mention, you will NOT catch up with that loan shark. You just won't. Slow down, master the brake, and anticipate your turns. If you get outside your wanted status, be cool. Lay low. Act like you're a normal person or something.

Life lesson: Acting like the maniac you so desperately want to be will only reveal the idiot that all your friends already see. Just be cool, man. Like that girl over there? No, stop. Restrain yourself. Do not go up to her, stare, drool and ask her to come to your LAN party. Want that job replacing Ben Templesmith as the best comic artist in the world? Do not threaten to burn down the IDW building. No. Be cool. Lay low. Act like you're a normal person or something.

4. Choose your weapon wisely
   

GTA lesson: Basic GTA skills 102 – Do the most damage while losing the least amount of health. Roundhouse kicks are pretty good for this in hand to hand combat, but knives are really best. Always remember the pistol as an option. It's a good standby if you can't make up your mind. But only if no one catches you (see “Do not ignore your reputation”).

Life lesson: Do you really need to use sarcasm at that work meeting? Don't forget, you want to make everyone else around you look relatively incompetent, but without causing yourself any damage, right? Think of sarcasm as a roundhouse kick. It's a pretty good tactic, but you're also standing right there and you're probably going to get some sort of retaliation. Knives are more like a public shaming of your roommate because he told some girl that he was “a force to be reckoned with.” Maximum damage without a huge chance of meaningful retaliation. The gun? Oh, err. That's the whole lying, backstabbing, manipulation thing. But only if no one catches you (see “Do not ignore your reputation”).

5. Do not fuck with Russians.

GTA lesson: These guys are fuckin crazy.

Life lesson: These guys are fuckin crazy.

Den' Pobedi

Happy Victory Day!

Russophiles, Slavs and Historians unite today to celebrate Victory Day (Russian: День Победы)!

Late at night on May 8th, 1945 (technically May 9th in the Soviet Union), Nazi Germany surrendered to the Soviet Union. Today marks the anniversary of the last day of the Great Patriotic War, which the Western World knows as WWII.

Although a melodramatic title, I will defend the Soviet's use of The Great Patriotic War, as the Soviet Union, out of all the Allies, endured the most casualties. However, this is rarely acknowledged by Western Europe, who refer to this day in history as V-E Day (Victory in Europe).

Putting your own Eurocentric ideas aside, please take a moment today to remember the men and women who braved the Siege of Leningrad, who went off to war in the face of the ever-intensifying Nazi army, and the babushki who assaulted the tanks with their purses.

Oh, and the very busy propaganda artists. I can't even imagine all the hand cramps they must have gotten...

My own experience with Russian propaganda was a bit milder:
Absinthe - The only substance that will make cute 50s pin-ups in bathing suits on clean, clear beaches, reach out to scrawny Russian twenty-somethings and ask "хочешь?" That's right, "you want this? Big boy? Hmmm?"
She desperately needs to define "this."

Moving on.




My experience with Victory Day, however, was not necessarily mild. Even in St. Petersburg, along Nevskii Prospekt, the parades were enormous, and became out of control. A drunk woman assaulted our guide because he looked Jewish, we kept tight-lipped with our English, and all public transit shut down for the day, so we walked across the city to our hotel. Oh, and we caught Anthrax.

So, if you know anyone in Russia, send them something positive today. Here's a sample script that will still make it through meticulous Russian censors:



Dear Liza,

I hear today is Victory Day in Russia! Put your hands in the air, it always feels good. Do a little dance for Den' Pobedi! I hope your day passes uneventfully. I know most people will be at the parades, but because of your debilitating social anxiety that in no way affects you unless you are in crowds of more than 1 million, maybe you should STAY INSIDE TODAY. I love Russian things in this order: Putin, Victory Day, Babushki and You.

Love,
Masha

P.S. Wish I was there with you! I miss Russia! Russia is so great! Are you eating blini and sausage and using gasoline every day, like I recommended?

Top Five Albums To Download This Week

...that is, if you haven't already.


1- Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer by Of Montreal
endearingly referred to as electropomp


2- Frieze by Chris Letcher
sweet, soothing, poetic, and a reference to the Incredible Hulk. Chris Letcher is my dream man. (PS - this might be difficult to download, your local record store is probably a better bet.)


3- As I Am by Alicia Keys
I recommend "Superwoman." I expected a sultry, buxom tune sung from her gut, for the power of all womyn!*$$@# but instead it's a rather solemn, but quite beautiful homage to the working mother and to the woman who has seen her share of tough times.

4- Oh Yell! by the Midtown Dickens
it's like sunshine in a bottle. Errr... wait, in a disc. on an mp3. My favorite line? From the song Tetris: "I like playing Tetris in the shower/but sometimes it makes me cower/Though I like playing Tetris naked and nuded/sometimes it makes me electrocuted/oh, ouch." Oh my yell. MTD, you are the best.

5- Little Voice by Sara Bareilles
you laugh to yourself, but she's good. "Love Song" was evidently written as a response to a record label that complained her lyrics were too dark and asked if she could write them a fluffier piece... you know... a love song, or something?

Top Five Mistakes Spies Make

1- They hold meetings with the blinds open.

Yes, you chose a warehouse. Nice job. You chose an abandoned floor for your makeshift office. Again, well done. Becoming a spy is no easy matter, so why on earth do you leave the blinds open? Jason Bourne has already followed you this far. Now you're just making this easy on him.

2- They get caught up in romantic complications.

I know you want me to put James Bond at the top of this list. I know you do. But I'm not just talking about sleeping with a beautiful woman who will inevitably become your downfall because she only looks out for herself. No, I want to address the other side of romantic complications - the ball and chain at home. Agent Harry Tasker spies on his wife, thinking she's having an affair and, voila, chaos ensues.

3- They go anywhere near a Russian.
Or Italian for that matter. I feel like writing something about the portrayal of Russians in film pretty soon, so be on the look out for that blog.

4- They pursue a mission that has already been aborted.
Tom Cruise, I'm looking right at you, buddy.

5- They believe it when an agent tells them that he/she will come alone.
This is the oldest lie in the book! Someone go count the number of spies this has killed in the movies.